Crime and Punishment

It was a dark February night. Three young men were walking home after a day's shopping, but this does not make them any less heterosexual. Suddenly, a moron leaps out from behind a hedge, runs at the most handsome of the three boys, swings unsuccessfully for his head, gets behind him and puts him into a headlock. After struggling with the drunken fool, Robin James – that's the handsome one I was telling you about – broke free and walked briskly away from him. It was at this point when Niall – at least in the top three of the most handsome of the lads – politely asked the moron what he thought he was playing at. The moron – lacking the ability to communicate with intelligence ‐ responded to this perfectly reasonable question with a well-aimed right hook, followed by a unsportsmanlike knee to the ribs. Somewhat satisfied with this display of stupidity, the degenerate stood back and observed Niall's cowering. Following this, the three desirable young gentlemen stepped up their pace, putting considerable distance between themselves and the assailant.

Alas, this was not the finale of the incident, for the drunkard tailed the boys down the street. During this pursuit, Niall phoned the police whilst bleeding from a cut above his left eye. Before long the idiot had regained his previous aggression and sprinted towards the trio, throwing his fist at the back of Robin's head, missing only due to the agility of the handsome adolescent, who ducked, sensing the oncoming fist. At this point, Bobby ran, followed by Niall and Robin, unperturbed until reaching Niall's house some 500m away. Half an hour passed before the police pulled up outside the house, at the same instant that Stig of the Dump crawled past, presumably still looking for a fight. The police arrested him immediately.

Today, justice was delivered, as, finally, the imbecile rekindled some dignity by pleading guilty.